By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS Note: While the statistics show that males perpetrate violence towards females at a much higher rate, women can also perpetrate domestic violence. While our family court systems say their decisions are based on the best interests of the children, the evidence proves otherwise. Research suggests that in an estimated 30 to 60 percent of the families where domestic violence is identified, some form of co-occurring child maltreatment is also present (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia Center for Injury Research and Prevention). One North American study found that children who were exposed to domestic violence were 15 times more likely to be physically and/or sexually abused than the national average (Volpe, 1996). And yet, domestic violence is not a major factor in determining who has access to unsupervised time with the children. I have several clients who have shared that attorneys have told them NOT to say anything about their experiences of domestic violence during family court proceedings as there are typically WORSE outcomes regarding parenting time and decision making for those who report the violence they have experienced. And as I talk with other professionals working with victims of domestic violence, this is not a small issue that is isolated to my community. Talking about domestic violence is considered the “kiss of death” by many family court attorneys.
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By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS Understanding why your abuser does what they do can be extremely helpful in the initial stages of the healing process. You can see the patterns of behaviors to gain and maintain power and control and start to challenge the effects of gaslighting, learning that you are not crazy. Your experiences are real. This psycho education is also helpful in managing the effects of post separation abuse. Understanding the tactics your abuser will use when going to family court or how they will use your children to continue abuse can also help you prepare and stay resilient. There is also a time when focusing on the mind of your abuser can lead you down the crazy making rabbit hole. Do they really believe the s#*% that comes out of their mouths? How can they continue the lies when the evidence is stacked up against them that proves they are lying? Do they truly believe that no one can touch them? That they are invincible? By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS In this video, Sybil discusses how clinicians and attorneys can best support clients, who have experienced abuse, navigate the legal system, particularly when Orders of Protection have been broken. For more videos, visit our Videos page or check out the Beyond Power and Control YouTube Channel.
By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS 1. Taking Control of the Timeline of the Case If your client is hesitant or fearful to testify, their abuser knows it. How can the abuser use this to their advantage? They can use different tactics to continue the case. Some of these cases take over a year for the jury trial to occur, forcing your client to show up to court each time, experiencing all of the anxiety that occurs with this, only to find out that the case will be continued for another 6-8 weeks. This can happen numerous times for numerous reasons. This also effects other potential witnesses. Spirituality is a source of comfort, guidance, meaning and purpose for many people. However, for many survivors of domestic violence, misguided religious messages can be used to justify abuse and coerce victims to submit and accept maltreatment, coercion, cruelty, neglect and/or violence. Spiritual abuse is an insidious form of trauma and psychological manipulation that uses religious doctrine to control community members and keep them subjugated. When spiritually toxic environments intersect with domestic violence, often scripture is used to embolden abusers. Often times, scripture that alludes to women being required by God to be submissive or “fulfill their wifely duties” is used to force victims – women especially – to submit to their abuser. Worse yet, many survivors who report their abuse to practicing family or community members, are often turned away and told to “pray, submit, and be a good wife.” This is a powerful form of victim blaming and makes leaving a domestically violent relationship that much more heartbreaking. By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS Does the term “Assessment” make you want to put your head down and take a snooze? Does it seem like assessment is something we HAVE to do just to CYA? I’m wondering if we can shift that perspective to provide our clients with the best care. As clinicians, assessment is one of the most important jobs we do for our clients. During the assessment process, we gather data, which then determines the level and severity of our clients’ presenting issues and guides our treatment planning and process. Remember that assessment is a dynamic and ongoing process. A process that does not end after your initial intake and creation of a treatment plan. This is especially true for those who are living in or are surviving domestic violence. By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS When you hear the term domestic violence, what first comes to mind? Black eyes and split lips? Who do you picture? A woman in a low-income neighborhood or trailer park with bleached hair, cut-off shorts with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth? What about the abuser? What kind of monster do you depict? Does anything change when you hear the term intimate partner violence? There are many different definitions of domestic violence (also known as intimate partner violence). There are different legal definitions depending on what state you live in. You can find the definition for your state here. A little more similar are the therapeutic definitions used by mental health professionals and advocates. I have combined several different definitions found in the literature to create yet another one. One that, I believe, encompasses a majority of the aspects and nuances of domestic violence. Domestic Violence (also known as Intimate Partner Violence) is a systematic and willful pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another and includes, but is not limited to, intimidation, physical assault, sexual assault, psychological and/or emotional abuse, and economic coercion. By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS (If you are in an unsafe relationship, please take caution in where you keep this article or any of the activities completed based on this article. Please reach out to your local advocacy center if you need help with safety). There are many beliefs about the power of forgiveness and the necessity to do so if you want to heal. You might receive the advice that if you do not forgive your abuser, then it will forever eat you up inside. The thought of forgiving the person that tore you down, gave you bruises, made you doubt your own reality, threatened to take away your children (or maybe even succeeded) and did so willfully is sickening to you. If you are still experiencing forms of abuse even after separation, how do you forgive someone of past hurts, when they are not in the past at all? The abuse is current. So, is forgiveness of your abuser a mandatory part of healing? In my work with victims and survivors of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) and survivors of sexual abuse, forgiveness as it is typically defined does not seem to be a necessary step of the healing process. There are two processes on your healing journey that relate to forgiveness that are truly helpful, and for the clients I have worked with an integral part of the healing process. The first is an understanding of the abuse and your abuser. Second, and probably holds the most power in your healing journey, is forgiveness of yourself. By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC (If you are in an unsafe relationship, please take caution in where you keep this article or any of the activities completed based on this article. Please reach out to your local advocacy center if you need help with safety). Do you find yourself feeling guilty for everything in your relationship? Does everything feel like it is your fault or are you made to believe all your relationship problems are your fault? This tactic is a very common one with in abusive relationships and is one that can keep you hooked into staying for a long time. How can you determine if the fault and responsibility for the problems in your relationship are yours to carry and how can you discard these feelings to gain a true perspective on your relationship? Are you really feeling guilt or is it something different all together? I think that it is important to look at what the term “guilt” truly means and how it can be helpful or harmful to our self-worth and mental health. Guilt can be identified as a feeling when we have done something that goes against our values or when we have done something “wrong.” By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC (If you are in an unsafe relationship, please take caution in where you keep this article or any of the activities completed based on this article. Please reach out to your local advocacy center if you need help with safety). You just started dating someone that seems too good to be true. You are waiting for the shoe to drop, but it hasn’t. Could this be the one? It is common for everyone to start picturing their future with someone they are dating when it is going well. The little house with the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog. The perfect life. It seems perfect, until it is not. Your perfect relationship and perfect partner has love bombed you. You are no longer treated like a queen and the center of your partner’s world. In fact you are treated worse than you can imagine. Whether you are physically abused, emotionally abused, sexually abused, financially abused or any of the other forms of abuse, the shock remains the same. How could this happen? You can still picture and maybe even feel the amazing start to your relationship. “No,” you tell yourself, “my partner can change,” or “we are just going through a rough patch.” You hold the image of your perfect life firmly in your mind. We can still achieve this if only… |
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